Since Capitalism is so evil....
In the mood of accepting the inevitable, I think we had better start coming up with new business cliches so that our evil capitalist society doesn't hang around as a drag on the new righteous communist culture heading our way. The following is formatted: Instead of saying…we should say.
It's none of your business.
…It's none of your public project.
It's a dog eat dog world.
…It's a dog complain about dog to the appropriate Federal authority world.
We cornered the market.
…We enacted a policy.
Kirk and Spock fly in the Starship Enterprise.
…Kirk and Spock fly in the Starship Welfare.
Work your fingers to the bone.
…Delegate your fingers to the second layer of skin.
I gave him a run for his money.
…He'll pay the same amount of taxes as I will.
I have many irons in the fire.
…I have the minimal amount of irons in the unstoppable fire of communist dictates.
It's time to roll up your sleeves.
…Remember when we had sleeves?
Signed, sealed, and delivered.
…Executively ordered, enacted, and adjudicated.
By the sweat of your brow.
…I miss social mobility.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
…No laws legislated, no rules followed.
Get your hands dirty.
…Hope the powers-that-be will give you a cushy promotion.
Business as usual.
…Remember when we had businesses?
He's a go getter!
…What the hell?
I'm losing my mind.
…I'm losing our minds.
George Washington was the Worst Thing in America
I recently interviewed space men who have stared down, unaffected by time, upon Earth and observed the course of human events. They have seen one awful thing after another, but these aliens agree without any doubt that George Washington is the worst thing to happen to America.
Ages ago, the aliens noticed that cavemen discovered power. Thrilled at something to talk about besides mastodons, they philosophized about it, explored it, and before long waged ugly wars for it. Uggum was the first man to beat a rival with a stick for the leadership of his clan.
This trend just got worse. Egypt made slaves of everyone they disliked in order to boost Pharaoh up a few notches. [Example 2] And Darius swallowed Babylon in a single bloody day to take command of the world’s largest empire.
Julius Caesar broke every rule in the book for power, and in the end got stabbed in the back by his bestest buddy to move power laterally. Herrod made himself famous for power-lusting tunnel-vision. Rome obliterated the Gaulish culture leaving almost no traces. Muslims carved an Empire out of anything in their way.
Medieval lords wanted power so much they enslaved an entire continent, and the Church enslaved the lords. When Lutheranism presented an alternate view of Christianity the Church went to war and decimated the population of Germany. Spain, on the other hand, wielded the Christian stick and pounded naked natives all around the world with it, and gained an Empire. Henry VIII broke with Rome and Elizabeth broke Spain. All for power.
Britain decided that power was so important to step up a notch on the superiority ladder that it treated its colonists terribly. The colonists wanted power for themselves so they rose up and removed Britain from their lands. And just when the power train was in full steam George Washington had to stand up and confuse the aliens desperately.
After millennia of people seeking power, killing, stealing, taking any opportunity possible, General Washington was very strange. He had beat Britain without forging an alliance with France, had the entire country adoring him, and the army furious with Congress. As they stormed Philadelphia Washington stood up and said he had something prepared to read. He stared at the paper for a moment, and then took out a pair of reading glasses. “Forgive me,” he told his generals, “I have gone gray in the service of my country, now it appears I am going blind.” It was a moment of pure magic.
He turned away the anger of his generals and army, saved Congress, and asked for nothing except to go home to his farm. “What are you doing?” the aliens screamed. “You could be king! You could rule the world! You’ve combined fame, austerity, and integrity better than any man in history and you’re throwing it away?”
And that is why Washington is such a horrible thing for us. He made Americans trust their leaders.
Since then, Adams passed the Alien and Sedition Acts, Jackson relocated the Indians, Polk waged a war with Mexico, Wilson formed the League of Nations, Kennedy pointed to Cuber, Clinton did whatever he felt like, Bush faked a war, and Obama spent everything. All for power.
And what do we do? We gaze at our leaders and think, oh, they wouldn't intentionally do something bad, now, would they? We turn away from the ugly glaring truth and go to the movies with our favorite date, naivety, and think everything will be fine. Things are not fine, and they haven't been. The only thing that confuses the aliens more than George Washington is us, because we act like we still have benevolent patriarchs in charge, and we will suffer for it.
Men want power. Always have. Always will. And people who vote like that isn't so need to wake up.
